Determinism
by GBlackwell
Summary: Or whether James Potter was a good man, an arrogant prick, or something else entirely. Character Study. Contains foul language.


**Determinism**

* * *

The Question/Dilemma

* * *

James Potter is a good man, a hero. James Potter is an arrogant prick. James Potter gave his life to save others. James Potter humiliated another student that wasn't bothering him at the time just because he was bored. James Potter had his faults, but they didn't matter because on the inside he was truly a good person that cared about justice and helping those weaker than him. James Potter simply went along the flow with what his parents and his house believed, and on the inside his concern for justice was as shallow as it was for anyone who jumped on the bandwagon of such ideals for such reasons.

In the moment when he realizes that Voldemort is there to kill his only child, his decision isn't really a decision: he knows what he's going to do instinctively, and has known in the bottom of his heart for a long time. Fear becomes adrenaline, and he leaps out, sees Voldemort's wand in front of him his face, and—

Sirius is bored, and James knows just the thing to amuse him. Snape wasn't doing anything to them a_t the moment, _but come on, it's _Snivellus, _and—

"What gives you the right to pick on him?" Lily asks in their first year.

He's a greasy git, that's what. And he's Slytherin, everyone in there is evil. Just look at the sort of people the stupid kid hangs out with, besides Lily that is. And the way he turns up his stupidly big nose at everybody, and knows all those dark spells… Oh come on, just _knowing _them is condemnation enough, Snivellus is clearly fascinated with the dark arts…

"Just because you don't like his house? Just because _you think _that he's bad, before he's done anything?"

"Well, _maybe _I'll stop," he says, "If you go out with me."

He sees the Muggle opera _Tosca _much later, and when he sees the baritone villain twirl his mustache and sing to the feisty heroine, is so many words, "I'll let your boyfriend go, if you sleep with me," he doesn't know why he thinks back to that day with Snivellus and Lily.

But he's not Scarpia. Okay, he might have been in the wrong that one time, but he's clearly not a villain because he… he…

_(He doesn't twirl his mustache and sing baritone)_

Because Snivellus is clearly a bad friend to Lily, anyway. Hell, he calls her "Mudblood." Whatever discomfort or guilt he feels about the situation is immediately drowned out by righteous anger. How dare this greasy Slytherin call Lily that! Especially when she deigned to call the ungrateful bastard her friend and stick up for him all the time (against him, too). And calling your friend "mudblood" is unforgiveable.

(Trying to extort the girl you like into dating you by saying you'll stop bullying her friend though… that's a tiny flaw to the diamond that teachers agree James is, and it shall be swept under the rug in due time)

Remus tells him quietly afterwards. "James… that wasn't cool."

But soon Sirius is rushing to his defense, "Hey, come on, Snape had it coming."

"But…"

Remus is going to object, but then Sirius tells a joke. James can't remember it later, but soon they're all laughing and, dammit, who's going to give their friend a scolding after they've all laughed like that?

(And someone like Remus… is he really going to challenge his friends when they're all he has?)

He's a good man; that's what Gryffindor is all about, isn't it? Being brave and righteous. He remembers his father telling him about it.

"Gryffindor's the only way to go, son. It's the house of the brave and true… I mean, everyone that matters comes from our house. Though I _might _not disown you if you get into another house. Except Slytherin."

"Honey, stop that. You'll accept him no matter what, won't you?"

"Sure, sure," his father waves his hand in dismissal. "But let me tell you, those Slytherins are bad news. Never associate with one, trust me. When you see one, go the other way or dunk its head the nearest toilet."

"Honey!" his mother says, scolding. She can't hide her smile, though. It's _funny _after all.

"You know how you spot them? Their noses. They stick them up, just like this."

His father demonstrates, and soon they're all laughing. And James feels such a warm glow as he thinks he'll be a Gryffindor like his mother and father. And he listens to more of his father's Slytherin jokes, and he laughs.

"Those fucking Slytherins," he says to Sirius.

"Fucking Slytherins," Sirius chimes in.

"They're no good," Peter adds, somewhat weakly.

And he feels the same glow. It's wonderful to have friends. It's even more wonderful to have friends that agree with you. And chiming in with your friends in hating something? Even better.

But he has _reasons _to hate them, too. They're against mudbloods after all, and apparently torture muggles for fun. He learns these reasons after he's adopted his parents' beliefs, but hey, that doesn't make him any less right. And besides, later he can accept that maybe _one or two _are alright, against all probability. Slughorn is harmless, after all.

_(They're still all useless blood supremacists, though)_

He sees Snivellus with his mother once in first year, by complete accident.

"Don't pay attention to any of those Gryffindors," she says to her son, "They've always been useless thugs. Slytherin's the superior house."

For a moment he's sneering at the woman's use of words like _superior, _and then he sees young Snape's eyes shining.

(How often does Snape's mother actually show signs of giving a damn about him, anyway?)

And suddenly he thinks about the glow he felt when laughing with his family or friends (_oh those silly Slytherins, they're so useless, we're clearly so much better). _And he doesn't look any further, deciding instead to walk on and ignore Snivellus before the Slytherin sees him.

It is years later when he remembers it, and suddenly feels afraid. Not afraid the way one might feel when fighting Death Eaters, but something much more permanent and gnawing. And it grows in his stomach, not going away like normal fear does but growing until it's a constant companion, some kind of fear he can't even name.

He continues to make fun of Slytherins and pull "harmless" pranks on that house. It's alright; he's not bad. He's not e_vil. _He still believes in equality for muggleborns after all. And whenever he gets in trouble for bullying or harassment he just cracks a few jokes and he's instantly got McGonagall on his side. _Oh, you. Now you take this warning and don't go about causing this mischief any more, young Potter. There are only so many blind eyes I can turn._

Because he's such a good person _overall, _right?

"Thank you for being my friend, James," Remus tells him.

"You're amazing," Sirius says.

They say he's alright, so why is that gnawing still there?

"There were a few times when you were a bit of a prick when you were younger," Remus says when they're older, "But you stuck by me, even after finding out… everything. Hardly anyone else would have done that. I think that counts for something."

"Aw, don't be a sap, James," Sirius says, "You save people on a daily basis. Don't worry about what happened at Hogwarts when we were kids."

"You're a hero, James," Peter says quietly, "Much braver than me."

The spectre grins at him from the other side of the mirror.

_HEROES DON'T HUMILIATE OTHERS OUT OF BOREDOM AND THEN SAY THEY'LL STOP IF THE GIRL THEY LIKE GOES OUT WITH THEM. HEROES DON'T __**ENJOY **__SUCH THINGS, JAMES.__DON'T GIVE ME THOSE EXCUSES, WE BOTH KNOW WHY YOU DID IT._

He tells it to shut up. Lily loves him. He was right back then. She doesn't have a problem with it, does she?

He's surrounded by friends and family that love him. He has the most wonderful woman in the world at his side, and for all her teasing she believes in , Sirius, Peter… they believe in him, too.

Why doesn't the gnawing go away?

_WE BOTH KNOW YOU LOVE LORDING POWER OVER OTHERS. CONVENIENT THAT YOU HAVE ACCEPTABLE TARGETS FOR IT._

"What did you do?" he asks Sirius.

"Snivellus is out in the Shrieking Sack. With Lupin." His friend grins, and for once he wonders exactly how good his best friend must be if they can have such a grin while basically admitting they killed someone.

"You idiot!"

_how good are you really james potter? it's just been so convenient for you be good so far hasn't it_

What could he do? He hated Snivellus, but really, letting him die? He was… surprisingly okay with it but….

_A GOOD PERSON WOULD SAVE EVEN SOMEONE HE HATED._

But it was _Snivellus._

_it's so easy to champion mudblood rights when you're surrounded by people that think that isn't it potter_

"…I could die…"

He might not have done it. But then it suddenly occurs to him that Sirius might get expelled if Snape dies and _well if I'm going to do it for anyone it might as well be my friend._

"I just saved your life. You should be grateful!"

"You didn't save my life," the greasy haired boy snaps, "You saved yourself and Black from being expelled."

He hates Snivellus. And most of all, he hates how right the twat is. He plans out another way to corner the Slytherin boy, just for this. He deserves it, anyway for trying to get Remus kicked out.

"I saved his life didn't I? Even though I hated him… isn't that enough?"

The spectre grins, and they both know the answer.

The gnawing eventually goes away, though. Simply because he forgets, and after a while he can drown himself in the tearful thank-yous of the people he saved and the affection of his friends.

Every now and then, he feels it, and wonders if he can actually feel good about himself.

* * *

MirrorrorriM/Possibility

* * *

James Potter is getting ready for the train, his eyes bright with expectations for the future. His father claps him on the back.

"Slytherin's the only way to go, son. It's the house of the brave and true… I mean, everyone that matters comes from our house. Though I _might _not disown you if you get into another house. Except Gryffindor."

"Honey, stop that. You'll accept him no matter what, won't you?"

"Sure, sure," his father waves his hand in dismissal. "But let me tell you, those Gryffindors are bad news. Never associate with one, trust me. When you see one, go the other way or dunk its head the nearest toilet."

"Honey!" his mother says, scolding. She can't hide her smile, though. It's _funny _after all.

"You know how you spot them? It's the…"

James feels the same glow he often feels when laughing with his family, and he reassures his dad that he'll be in Slytherin, for sure.

A little ways away a mother will dull, uncaring eyes is rehearsing her son, "Now remember, Severus, don't pay attention to those Slytherins. They're nothing but inbred blood supremacists. Gryffindor's is clearly the…"

But James has _reasons _for hating Gryffindors. They're clearly all idiots, and they're for Muggle equality. Now, he's not to go around torturing Muggles, but come on, equality? Some people are just born with more talents, and the world needs to accept that. Besides, studies have _clearly _shown that interbreeding with them leads to decreased magical ability for later generations, his father told him so…

"Aw come on, Sirius," he tells his newfound companion on the train, "Even if you're family's stupid, Slytherin's the only way to go. All the other houses are filled with idiots."

"Well, now that you say that, maybe…"

"Fucking Gryffindors," he says.

"_Fucking _Gryffindors," his friends agree.

* * *

Conclusion/no conclusion

* * *

So what is the answer to this question? Did James Potter ever discover whether he was a good person by chance, or by choice? Did he ever confront that gnawing fear he felt in his heart?

There is no answer. Potter never had to confront anything, because life is not a book, and people aren't forced to face everything and come to terms with themselves before they die. People take their illusions with them to their grave, and pursuit of truth is forgotten in the stream of mundane life.

To those that are living: consider the choices you make and the person you are. And don't feel that one good gives you a pass for another evil.

* * *

**I can't believe I wrote another HP fic...Warning: rant ahead, you may want to skip.**

**Alright, so… this was inspired by two conversations. One was with the wonderful Laora (whose fics everyone should read), who tried to convince me that James was a good person. And, while I had never thought James was the epitome of evil, she made good points. The other conversation… was with some friends of mine. Now, they, too, tried to convince me James was a good person. However… they did so by saying that what James did to Snape was "not bullying" and that he was not in the wrong. One even suggested that he was not a fault, because he was just trying to entertain Sirius.**

**Well fuckety fucking fuck, FUCK THAT. (excuse my language)**

**I'm sorry. I don't think Snape was a good person. I think he's a fascinating character but not a good person. And I don't think that Lily was obligated to stay with him. But to say what James did in that flashback wasn't wrong? No. I'm sorry, I don't care if he was a good guy, what he did was unprovoked sadistic bullying.**

**AND THEN TRYING TO USE IT TO LILY TO DATE HIM.**

**Sorry, sorry fandom. No. I mean, I can accept that James might have gotten better, or that his good deeds make up for his bad ones, but defending what he did in that flashback just because he's labelled as a good guy is insanity. And don't pull the "well Snape's memories are biased" thing. Because I don't think it's possible for memories to be biased to the point where they make up things as crucial as "James doing it for no reason" and "James trying to get Lily to date him by saying he'll stop bullying Sirius." Not unless the person has a mental illness, and Snape showed no sign of such illness in canon.**

**And those two details alone are enough to convince me that James had a bad enough side to him that he enjoyed rubbing his power in people's faces waaaay too much. And I know plenty of people who are "good" and, like James, still have a nasty side to them that SHOULDN'T be glossed over or forgiven.**

**Feel free to debate me more via PM/Review. Arguments against my opinion will be accepted, so long as they're not as stupid as what my friends said. Sorry for the rant.**


End file.
